...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
