The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
