Someone shit on the floor
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
