all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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