We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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