I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
