He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
