Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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