Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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