How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
