Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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