you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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