I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
