Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
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Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
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We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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