I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
