There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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