I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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