Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
