There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
