I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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