cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
