I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
