I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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