I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
is wine microwaveable?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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