On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
