my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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