all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
