dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
