I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
