just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
