Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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