"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we're making bets on your personal life
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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