My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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