My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
