I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
