so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
