Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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