I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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