At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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