I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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