Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
