I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I skipped work to stalk him.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
