I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
