I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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