just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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