I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
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Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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