you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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