did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I stole a fireplace last night.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
