There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
