i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
