so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
