Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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