Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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