My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
