I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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