I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My ATM looks so different sober.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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