My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
