I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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