i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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