Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
