you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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