you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
